With less than a week until Christmas the president of the UN, Ali Abdussalam Treki, has called an emergency session of the United Nations to meet this weekend in Hawaii. He is deploring all the leaders of the world to attend so that Christmas may be saved. He also noted that the weather this time of year on Oahu is just wonderful and the waves are breaking with some very nice tubes, in case any one wants to bring their surfboards.
The elves in the North Pole, at the Christmas complex, are starting to talk. One elf, Peter Pumpernickel, says they miss Santa tremendously and want him to come back. They have taken up a collection to help with the payback of the bailout money Santa has taken from the US government. They came up with $7.23. This does not seem like much, but they don’t really make a lot of money as it is. They also say that when Santa returns to the North Pole he will be given all the support possible in order to kick his cookie addiction that put the First Bank of the North Pole into bankruptcy and led to this Christmas disaster. Sports
The SCEP, Secret Cookie Elfin Project, is in talks with the Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton. It is thought that the talks are progressing well and the elves may lay down their candy canes and surrender to US forces any time now. This is great news and a major move forward in peace talks. The Christmas compound has been surrounded for the last week by US Marines. One marine, on condition of anonymity, says his troops just want to go home and celebrate Christmas with their family, but the President has asked them to do a job and they must obey orders.
Santa is still thought to be in the Cayman Islands in a rehabilitation clinic that specializes in food addictions. We got through to his counselor, who said Santa is progressing along nicely. He has been put on a diet of low fat cookies and 2% milk. Santa is stated as saying he is determined to get this cookie problem under control and have his finances in order before Christmas, so he does not let the children of the world down.